“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Spider-cat: No One Home
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.