Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’