I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.