Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try