out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
When they try to steal your moment.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Dolls on drugs
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me