I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
North and South
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.