Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

My brain is a bad influence on me

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.