Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Me, flirting😏

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.