Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Morning all.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

They grow up so quick

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Still laughing at this stupid meme

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.