Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday