Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1575921418184818702/pu/vid/1280x720/ZffoUvuRJZO1XGn6.mp4?tag=12

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Beware of fowl play.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg