I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 馃槒
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can鈥檛 = can not
don鈥檛 = do not
won鈥檛 = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Hey babe鈥anna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I鈥檓 going to put it in the living room.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
About to throw up
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn鈥檛 she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
If I don鈥檛 win Mega Millions tonight, I鈥檓 going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won鈥檛 be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.