I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
OH. COME. ON.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?