Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Steam Forums

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

this country is so goddamn polarized

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!