Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

he’ll never suspect a thing

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings