“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Try and stop me.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that