I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Become ungovernable.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.