Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

LOOOOOOL

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…