Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.