I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
never deleting this app.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.