Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

A great first step 😂

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.