Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Many hands make light work

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

#NoRestForTheWicked

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.