I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
cyclists
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I feel this so hard
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.