Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out