Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

💀

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

✌️

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

How actors in movies eat their food

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm