“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
You Might Also Like
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”