“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out