“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. âGRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!â was something I said. Along with, âHave a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!â Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if theyâve seen my butthole scrubber.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
CONTRACTOR: itâs a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castleâs ruined boys weâre moving!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: ⌠and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: youâre not gonna believe this
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kidđđ
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
âI was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezerâ, an autobiography.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I donât want it to be awkward.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like âdefiantly getting a chinese tonightâ and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back đ
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Letâs focus on this weekâs developments
Me: Ok, so Iâm trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? Iâm on a work call
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!