Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave