I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
ouch
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.