I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this