I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me when I hear gossip
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
me and the Superbowl rn
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party