You Might Also Like
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Wednesday
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
getting corrected
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”