Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water