Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.