Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.