Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Squirrels before girls.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Whisper out to librarians!

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.