“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

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If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.


When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.


When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.



Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.


I thought she said “tantrum sex” and this is probably the most I’ve ever disappointed a woman.


Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.


i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas


Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.


When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!