“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
those birds must be on payroll
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.