I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Huge”.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
getting old is fun
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?