Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

OKAY DAD

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.