Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”