I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
these can’t be my only options
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.