Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bags with threatening auras

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

yes… yes…