I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
You Might Also Like
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Those are good neighbors.
