I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.