Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.