“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain