“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?