“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Pizza is an emotion right?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
hi why am I like this
