“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
TODAY
![]()
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
![]()
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
![]()
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.