Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

For real 🤣

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.