Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.