I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You Might Also Like
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Saturday
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.