I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*


If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.


I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.


[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one


How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?


Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off


ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.


My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.