@PaulyPeligroso

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

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@nbadag

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@schumoo

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@TequilaTears

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@wendchymes

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@imhhk

I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.