@PaulyPeligroso: I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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@SirEviscerate: ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife ME: please no
@mattZillaaaa: Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I'm like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
@SCBamaMan: I'll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
@HandyJack420: Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks