I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The symmetry is uncanny.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.