Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Hot Hot Hot

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

there’s music for literally every activity

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos