Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

you can only post this today

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people