I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!