I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”