I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Posting this on behalf of a friend
