I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit