I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.