Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows