Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

me when I see my crush

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex