I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
i like to flex on them by shrugging
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My neck, my back, my…
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you