Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is he marrying that labradoodle

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*