I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I hope Alan is OK
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.