Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up