Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff