I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.