I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
buying dead houseplants to save time
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.