Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

thoughts?

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.