Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.