Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

this isn’t threatening at all

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.